Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
