What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
