So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
