Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
