Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
