When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
