I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
