Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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