Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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