im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
