we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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