He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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