I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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