Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
