I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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