My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Come back. Shots need mouths.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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