Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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