When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
