he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
And then he peed in my hair
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