Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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