dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
