dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
