drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so let's talk penis.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
