My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
