like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
