Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
