oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
