I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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