Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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