She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
