i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
