I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Randomize
