i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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