I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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