Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
