it was like eating out sand paper
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
