i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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