oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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