Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the day after is always just damage control
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
