No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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