i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
