Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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