i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
