Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
