you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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