I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I need to stop coming to work sober
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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