I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
