you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
