So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
