i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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