this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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