I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
